Aging Well
by Delphinbella
Summary: Rebecca Baine would do anything for a chance at the big guns with the sandalwood grips. There can be no remorse for her, except when it comes to skinny Lane Morgan. Mature Themes, violence, language.
1. Chapter 1

Aging Well

Rebecca Baine sat with her back to the white city and her face to the river where it had all started.

No, that wasn't fair. It had started years before then when she had decided at the tender age of nine that she would become a gunslinger - whatever the cost. This river had been her first mistake, her first true test of "whatever the cost". This river had cost her all hope of a secret life. Last night, when she had been just about to take back the life she had given up at nine, it had cost her all of her honor and pride. And the girl, who was once the second-best apprentice in her class, was now seventeen and knew that she had been broken last night more deeply than she had ever come close to being with any other wound.

Rebecca Baine, the fiery sly child who had fooled the Gunslinger's Council for six years was finally cowed, but she gotten permission to be an apprentice again and test for her guns.

She was sitting at the river trying to decide if she regretted what she had done. Although, the head of the Gunslinger's Council hadn't really taken anything important from her - she had given what he had really been seeking to Lane Morgan only a few hours before - sai Veriss had come away with her honor and pride. And Lane, well, Lane would be crushed if he ever found out what she had done, but she had no intent to ever let him (or anyone else for that matter) find out.

Rebecca jumped suddenly as someone touched her good shoulder. She had always been a bit jumpy; a person with as many secrets as her was always jumpy. Breathing a sigh of relief at the owner of the hand, Rebecca pushed her short dark blonde hair back from her face and looked up at him.

"Sorry," came the uncharacteristically sheepish voice from Lane Morgan. She supposed she had been subconsciously waiting for him here by the river where they met. "I didn't see you at breakfast," he continued, "I thought you might be... I was worried that..." He trailed off with a blush and she had to remind herself that he would be thinking of what they had done together, and not what had happened to her later that same night.

Rebecca moved over so he would know he could sit. "I hate going to breakfast the morning after I dance. Everyone is always staring and telling me how beautiful I am. As if I am ugly and have poor rhythm all other nights."

"Well, they don't get to see you as Rebecca that often," he pointed out as he sat down next to her. "And you are beautiful."

"Don't start that nonsense with me, Lane. You know I won't be won over by flattery." He smiled in his 'I know what wins you over' way that was just too familiar to sai Veriss' smug grin. "Besides, they are letting me rejoin the apprentices. I will be in class tomorrow. Our false courtship ends today."

Rebecca turned away from him as she said it, but she still caught the look of surprise that replaced his cheeky grin. Lane recovered quickly, knowing first hand what kind of liar his best friend (and after last night, perhaps his lover?) was and also what kind of men the Council was made up of. Ka could work as hard as it might, it would never sway those men to change their minds about a woman 'slinger.

Grinning again because he thought he had actually caught her in a lie (Rebecca lied like she breathed - without thought and with her life completely dependant on it) he replied. "When did you speak to the Council then? As I remember it you were a little busy with me last night."

Without a pause to consider, Rebecca replied, "this morning before breakfast."

She watched again as Lane's face fell and felt her heart breaking for him although she remained outwardly stoic. "They said they would take their chances on my failing. They have no jurisdiction over me when I'm a woman, and apparently I'm becoming too difficult to keep under their control as Rebecca." She shrugged at his hurt and confused expression. Better she break his heart this way then by actually telling him the truth.

"But... last night... I thought..."

Lane struggled for the right words and brought his hand up to brush her shoulder. Rebecca jumped again and flinched at her own reaction. She was never this jumpy with Lane; he would know something was amiss.

"What's wrong Becka?" He turned to her with concern, careful not to touch her again. "Did I hurt you last night? I tried to be careful, but it was my first time..."

Rebecca was torn between laughing and crying - as if Lane could ever hurt her physically! Aside from the broken collarbone that was mostly his fault, she couldn't remember a time he hadn't pulled back from a punch or thrown her a little too softly in practice. She let out a soft laugh, "No worries, Laney, all my bones are still well intact." She brought her newly healed right arm up in an arch to demonstrate. Lane had accidentally broken her collarbone about four months back while roughhousing, which was how the Council had found out she was a girl in the first place. That was why they had banished her from the apprenticeship, and that was why she had agreed so readily to the terms of having a chance to test for her big guns before she knew what her end of the bargain would entail.

Lane's concern didn't disappear with her laughter and she knew he though she was hiding something.

"I thought that after last night," he tried again, watching her face carefully to make sure she didn't think him a fool and laugh, "maybe you would decide to stop your quest for the guns." He didn't say 'and be with me' but she knew it was there just under his words.

"Oh Laney-boy," Rebecca smiled gently at him. In truth she had been ready to give up her double-life as Robert Baine, gunslinger apprentice, after Lane had left her rooms last night. "There is one problem with that; I'm of marriageable age as Rebecca."

"Yes, and you could have married me," he put in quickly.

"No, Lane. You aren't a gunslinger yet. You're only fifteen. While you were in class my father was showing me off to real gunslingers; trying to make deals with their fathers to set my future in stone." Rebecca glanced at Lane who was clearly in shock - it had not occurred to him that Donald Baine would choose anyone else to marry his daughter off to. "Thank Gan he didn't make any agreements yet," Rebecca said as a truce.

"But we were openly courting!" Lane cried indignantly, "Everyone saw us always together!"

"I agree," Rebecca replied calmly, "that was the whole point of doing it; to buy me time." Lane flinched at that - she wasn't even going to admit that she had enjoyed courting him. It was going to all be for her damned guns; everything always for the damned guns. "But people were starting to talk, my father was getting restless, and we would have very easily been written off as young love and disregarded."

Lane sat dejected, head in his hands, and was silent for a long time. Finally he brought his head up and crossed his arms over his knees. "So we are back to Robert and the endless lies and deceits?"

"It seems so, yes."

"I hate Robert."

"You're best friends with Robert."

"I'm best friends with you." He caught her hand and kissed the back of it gently as she jumped again. "One last day of courting?"

He had hoped she would nod and pull him over to her, but instead she pulled her hand away quickly and stood, brushing off her skirts. "No, Laney-boy. No more courting. I need to get ready; I need to focus. I've been out of practice for too long."

"But Becka..." He caught the hem of her skirt so she wouldn't walk away.

"I'm sorry Lane, but this is the life I chose long before I met you." She pulled her skirt away from him and walked back towards the imposing white gates of Gilead.


	2. Chapter 2

"Robert!" 

One of the apprentices - one of the apprentices Rebecca had no patience for - cheered merrily as she walked into the outdoor classroom area. She had pulled her hair back into the low boy's ponytail and tied her chest flat. Robert always looked a little chubby around the torso for just that reason; had any of them ever met the real Robert Baine they would be very surprised by just how handsome and approachable he was. Unbeknownst to him, he had gotten himself a bit of a reputation as a cold, callused, and none-too-handsome wannabe gunslinger in Gilead.

"Simon," Rebecca forced a smile. She expected a 'where have you been' or 'why did they let you come back' or something to that nature. She couldn't even remember what lies had been told when Robert suddenly disappeared back in March and Rebecca showed up in court, arm in a sling. She had spent the night making up new lies for just this occasion.

"So, did you hear the news about your whore cousin?" Simon continued on cheerily.

"My cousin is not a whore!" She replied indignantly. Did everyone actually think that of her? Did everyone know!

"She was seen leaving with Morgan after dancing a whore's dance with him." Simon taunted, knowing that Robert had a fierce temper.

The first thing in Rebecca's mind was to reply with the history of that particular dance, but Robert wouldn't have known, nor cared. "That's odd Simon, "she said instead with a mean smile, "I didn't realize you were old enough to attend the Midsummer's Feast."

Simon's own smile failed and he bunched his fists up. Rebecca knew a fight was to begin (she had been in many with Simon) but _ka_ smiled on her with the entrance of Cort.

"Well, it seems we have an old face in our midst," Cort nodded to Rebecca, who gave a short bow in return. "You've missed a lot, maggot, try to keep up."

Rebecca nodded and moved to her old place next to Lane, who hadn't yet acknowledged her. Cort would be very surprised, she thought, when he found she wasn't that far behind at all.

They ran drills in the cooler morning air - warm-ups she was very familiar with - before moving on to the most recent lessons. Today they would be practicing getting out of someone's grasp, especially if they had a weapon. Personally, Rebecca knew a great way to get away from a man (any man) but that particular move was seen as a cheap shot and not allowed in practice.

The class paired up (Lane and Robert were paired back together as they had been for the past year) and one student was to grab the other from behind, weaponless at first. Robert, who had not been to any of the other classes on this subject was made attackee first. As Lane grabbed her Rebecca panicked, scenes of Midsummer's night running through her mind.

"Let go," she said as calmly as possible, although there was an audible quiver in her voice.

Lane laughed, "that's not going to work on Farson's men, Robert, no matter how serious you sound."

"I'm serious Lane," her breath was picking up, "let go of me now."

"The point of the exercise is to learn how to get out of such a hold, Robert." Lane grabbed her tighter, waiting for a trick. "You have to shift..." but before he could finish telling her she began to struggle and yelled.

"Get off me Lane!"

He released her and stepped back and she stood breathing heavily for a moment. "Is there a problem, maggot?" Cort asked and started towards them. Rebecca turned without a word and walked away from class and Cort, and as she passed Lane could see tears in her eyes.

"Apparently so sai," Lane replied for her, "Cry pardon, can I be excused?"

"No."

Lane looked back over his shoulder at the retreating form and then back to Cort. He would have to go after her later.

xxxxx

There was a knock on the door but Rebecca didn't bother to look up from her writing. Books were rare in Gilead, as paper and literacy were both in short supply, but Gunslingers had a way of getting what they wanted.

"Robert?" Lane's voice followed the creak of the opening door. "You ok? What happened today?"

"Go away," was her croaked reply; it sounded tired, like she had been crying.

He shut the door behind him and moved to sit on the bed. "What's that?" he nodded towards the book in her grasp.

"Gandammit, don't you listen Lane? Go away!" Rebecca slammed the journal closed and turned to face him. Her eyes were bloodshot with dark circles underneath.

"What happened today?" He repeated, searching her face.

"I failed. Is that what you want to hear?" Rebecca spat the words at him. "I failed. I won't be a gunslinger. I made a deal with the devil and he cheated."

"That's ridiculous Rebecca," Lane said simply, "there's no such thing as the devil, and you just failed to get out of a hold today. It's not the end of gunslinging." He reached out to grab her good shoulder, "I'll teach you how…"

"Don't touch me!" she screamed and pushed away so forcefully that her chair toppled over backwards.

"Rebecca! What's gotten into you?" Lane got up to help her as she flinched away again.

"I don't want you, or anyone, to touch me, ever."

Lane laughed shortly. "Not possible. Now get over whatever strange phobia you've contracted, because if you do that again during class Cort is likely to kick you right out."

"I'm not going back to class, Lane. They were right; I give up."

"Nonsense." Lane crossed his arms and looked down at her, "if you quit you go back to being Rebecca and will be forced to marry Jamie DeCurry or likewise."

Rebecca's face was horrified at the thought, "I would go west first. I would kill myself before marrying the likes of him."

Lane laughed, "so much drama over such a small thing."

"I'm not being dramatic Lane. I really would kill myself. He's worse than almost anyone I have ever met."

"Almost anyone?"

"Yes, almost." Rebecca sighed and stood up, bent over to pick up the chair as well, and found herself suddenly pinned against the wall, arm twisted up behind her. "Lane get off me," she gasped and shut her eyes tight, teeth clenched.

"No. Gunslingers know how to get free; you need to learn. We have not gone through the past year for you to give up and quit, Rebecca." Lane pushed a little harder; he knew she could take the pain, she'd gone through much worse every day of class. What he couldn't understand was how and why she had so quickly become such a sniveling little girl.

"I can't! Let go!"

"You're acting like a girl, maggot!" Lane whispered loudly and pressed her hard against the wall. "You have forgotten the face of your father!"

And she had, for the only face she could see before her was that of sai Veriss, the head of the Gunslinger's Council. Trying to cringe away from both wall and Lane at the same time made him push harder, and soon Rebecca found herself so thoroughly stuck that not even one of Cort's fancy moves could have helped her.

"Stop it, sai. Please, stop…" she started to cry and Lane could feel all her muscles go limp as she gave up. The Rebecca he knew would not have given up ever, not until she was either free or passed out from sheer exhaustion. This was not the same girl he had made love to only two nights before.

He spun her around and held her out by her shoulders. She still cringed away from him, but there was no power left in her movements. "Man Jesus, Becka, what has happened to you?"

She shook her head, unwilling to tell.

"Gandammit, just tell me what it is. What makes you act so?"

"I can't," she moaned, "Lane, I've done a horrible thing."

Lane balked, "You break rules, lie, and Gan only knows what else every day without conscious. What could you have possibly done worse?" She didn't respond - wouldn't even look at him - so Lane shook her once, hard.

"Ow!" Rebecca glared up at him.

"There! Finally!" Lane let her go and stepped back, at least the old spark of defiant life was back. "I'll see you in class tomorrow."

"I'm not going."

"The fuck you aren't." Lane opened the door and turned back to face her. "I'll be here in the morning to drag you out of bed and tied your damn chest down myself if I have to." He slammed the door in her face and left her starring at it in surprise.

Lane was right, of course, if she quit now she would be married off. But she couldn't go back to class; every time someone – anyone - so much as touched her she saw flashes of the other night, of Veriss pressing his body against her, his cold, hard grip on her arms…

Another knock on the door made her jump. "Child, are you well?" her father asked from the other side of the door. Donald Baine never called her Rebecca, or Robert, but always Child. She always assumed he didn't want to accidentally say the wrong name.

She opened the door but didn't look at him as she passed. "I'm fine, I'm going for a walk."

He raised his eyebrows at her; Rebecca often took walks alone, but never did she go out looking less than ready. He couldn't have said which child she was trying to be just then. "Be careful."

"I'm always careful," she said as she walked into the dark hallway.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Chapter 2 had a bit added to the end. If you read it before this chapter went up, you may want to go back and re-read the end.

Rebecca walked until well past dark through the streets of Gilead. As she turned towards the tall, white castle for the final time she passed a tavern with an unusual amount of noise coming from it. Peeking in proved the source; Cuthbert Allgood, the biggest mouth in Gilead, was trying to out drink one of the lower Councilmen, who had a fairly impressive beer gut on his side. Allgood lost to a round of cheers, and as he was looking around for someone else to race his eyes lighted on Robert.

"Small sai!" he hailed and stumbled over his chair to more laughter.

Rebecca turned quickly to leave but was grabbed and pulled back in by someone. "Now here's a fellow you might actually be able to beat!" the man behind her bellowed as she cringed.

"Yes!" Cuthbert roared at her, "here! Drink!"

"Thankee, sai, but I was just on my way back to my rooms…" Rebecca made it a point never to get drunk; drunks tended to say and do things they wouldn't otherwise say or do, and she couldn't afford to tell a roomful of 'slingers that she was a girl. Besides, the last time she had been drunk Lane had taken advantage of her and tricked her into kissing him. She'd rather not end up kissing Cuthbert Allgood, or any of the other 'slingers here for that matter.

There was a round of disappointment and Rebecca turned to go until Jamie DeCurry called out behind her. "Hey, sai Baine right? Put in a good word for me with your cousin! Your uncle wouldn't want to waste such a fine gilly on that Morgan kid."

Another round of laughter rippled through as Rebecca stopped and took a deep breath. How dare he call her a gilly-girl! She was no whore! She had felt like one lately, to say true, but she was no whore.

"My cousin is no gilly, sai," she spat the words out like ice, "and I wouldn't put in a good word for you if you had both your guns to my head."

The room immediately sobered at the words and Jamie's face burned red. "Why you little maggot…" He jumped and pulled his right gun, pinning Rebecca to the wall by her throat, the hard barrel of the gun against her temple. "Would you care to repeat that, sai?" he growled.

Rebecca flinched back and wondered how she had managed to get herself into the same position twice in only a few hours. "I said my cousin is no whore," she replied through clenched teeth.

"DeCurry, put down your guns, sai. He's just a kid," someone said in the room. But Jamie shook his head no.

"He's a kid who needs to learn some manners," he growled and slammed her against the wall harder.

Rebecca's breath came out as her back hit the wall, and with it went her fear. The 'battle reds' as her and Lane called them came down over her vision as her survival instincts kicked in. She gave a guttural yell and hooked a foot behind DeCurry, pushing him back with her right hand and using her left to move his gun so she wouldn't be shot in the head. As he lost his balance and fell backwards in surprise he took her with him and she landed on top of him, grabbing his left gun from his holster and rolling to the side to point it at his head.

For ten seconds the whole tavern froze. Allgood broke the silence.

"Man Jesus, DeCurry," he laughed, "you just got your ass kicked by a kid."

No one laughed, but Jamie fumed on the ground before them all. A boot stepped between them then, a boot attached to Cort. "Alright maggot. You've proven your point and had your fun. Get home with you, and don't think that this excuses your little outburst today." He held out his hand and Rebecca reluctantly handed the big gun over. She wouldn't easily forget the way it had felt in her hands though.

"Thankee-sai Cort," Rebecca mumbled as she stood up. A quick glance around the room showed many gazes of disbelief, especially among the Councilmen present who knew her secret. A short, self-conscious nod to them all and she was making her way out the door.

Not two buildings down someone grabbed her elbow and pulled her into the shadows. Rebecca tried to jump away, but the grip was too strong and she was still shaken by what had just happened in the tavern. She staggered into the broad chest of sai Veriss.

"Let go of me!" she said in a rising panic and pushed with her left arm, but he had too good a hold. Trying instead to pull herself away she backed herself into a wall and found herself trapped in the embrace of the councilman. Jaw trembling, she whispered, "stay away from me, sai. You have no business with me until I test."

Veriss smiled and leaned in towards her, "you've already lost." Rebecca's jaw locked tight in defiance. "I've been watching you," he cooed as he brought a hand up to brush her hair out of her face and she cringed away. "You flinch at a simple touch, how do you expect to fight me and win?"

"I will fight you and win, sai," she said, voice and body shaking with rage and fear, "and if I can I will kill you."

Veriss smiled, "I will enjoy your test very much." His hand moved up her side and rested just above the wrapping on her chest. "It's a shame you parade around as a boy," he whispered huskily. Rebecca stood still, eyes shut tight against his face and traveling hands. As two tears fell down her cheek he leaned in close and whispered in her ear, the whiskey on his breath making her want to retch, "I win." Then he let her go and walked calmly back to the tavern.

Rebecca stood stock-still and waited until he had been out of sight for a good few minutes before sinking into a crouch on the ground and crying into her arms.

xxxxx

Rebecca eventually made her way back through the streets of the white city and into the castle. She stopped before a familiar hardwood door and knocked. Soft light spilled out into the hallway as the door opened and sai Morgan, senior, stood in the doorway. "Sai Baine," he said, a little surprised at the sight of such a disheveled Robert.

"Is Lane awake?" Rebecca said with as smooth a voice as possible.

Sai Morgan nodded and closed the door slightly as he motioned his son over. As Lane opened the door his face went from slightly annoyed to concerned. "Re…Robert? Are you ok?"

Rebecca shook her head without a word and Lane looked inside before shutting the door behind him. "What happened to you?" he whispered and grabbed her elbow to lead her away from his door. She closed her eyes and pressed her lips together at the touch, but followed him all the same.

When they reached a row of empty rooms he stopped in the shadows and turned to her again. "What happened? Who did this to you?"

Rebecca took a deep breath before opening her eyes and starting. "Sai Veriss," she flinched even as she spoke the name and couldn't find the voice to continue.

"What did he do? Kick you out? I thought you said he was allowing you to test?"

She shook her head and closed her eyes again, whispering "at a price, Lane. Only at a very high price."

Lane stepped back for a moment to consider and crossed his arms. "What was the price?" he said calmly, but seriously. She opened her eyes and mouth to speak, then seemed to think better of it and paused. "What was the price, Rebecca?" Lane emphasized the words as his fingers tightened around his arms.

"Me," she whispered so softly he could barely hear her. She continued quickly, "but I didn't know until the deal was made what he wanted in return."

Lane took a few deep breaths, teeth clenched. "When?"

Rebecca looked down the hall into the darkness; she couldn't bring herself to look at Lane. "About an hour after you left on Midsummer."

There was a sting across her left cheek and she looked up at Lane in surprise.

"Whore," he spat as his upraised hand shook. "You fucking gilly-whore."

"Lane!" she reprimanded and rubbed at her cheek.

"And what do you expect from me now, you little whore!" Rebecca had never seen him so mad in his life. Actually, she had never seen him mad ever in his life. "What do you want from me for the use of your body!"

"Lane Morgan, I am not a whore!" she whispered back, hurt by his suggestion. "I was raped."

"The fuck you were Rebecca!" Lane laughed at her, "you could have easily fought off a drunk, fat, past-his-prime 'slinger _if you wanted to_."

"I didn't want _that_, Lane!" she cried back at him, "I just wanted the same fucking chance as you to test for my guns!"

"I didn't have sex for it!"

"You didn't have to!"

She had screamed louder than she had wanted and they listened to her voice echo down the hall. When no one came out to investigate they each tried to calm down.

"Man Jesus, Becka." Lane rubbed his face with his hand as he tried to think of something to say to her.

"I'm sorry, Lane," she whispered, "I didn't want to tell you but I cannot live like this. I can't keep shying away from everyone's touch because I'm afraid of how they might touch me. I'm afraid a tap on the shoulder might lead to being pushed down on the bed again; that someone accidentally brushing past me will result in their hands wandering over my body while I'm powerless to stop them." She finally looked him in the eye, "have you ever felt powerless Lane? Have you ever felt like someone's prisoner? You haven't, and you never will, because you were born the right sex."

"That's not the point," he tried weakly.

"That is the point, Lane. I did what I had to do to get my guns. But if I can't stop that night from repeating in my head it will have all been for nothing.

"I can win, sai. I can win and get my guns. I fought DeCurry tonight and won! I had one of his own guns pointed at his head." She grabbed his wrist in her insistence, "I can do this Lane, but not by myself."

He pulled his hand away from her and shook his head, "I don't know, Rebecca."

Rebecca turned and punched the door behind her with a fist. "I didn't tell you because I wanted to Lane. I would have very happily kept it a secret." She turned back around and looked him in the eyes, "I have nothing more to say."

She stood, feeling exposed as he studied her. "I have nothing more to say either," Lane said in a weak, tired voice. "I will see you tomorrow in class."

"Lane…"

He shook his head to shut her up. "I need a night to think. I will see you in class." He left her standing in the dark hallway to think as well.


End file.
